New Adventure

As I’ve mentioned before, I am reading this self-help book by Peter Jones and one of his many suggestions is to make a wish list, a list of things that you would really like to achieve – Not everything at once, but one small step at a time.  At the top of mine was take better quality photo’s.

I have a friend, who takes the most amazing pictures and is a total inspiration to me.  I could only wish to replicate a small understanding of photography that they have. The answer was a simple one.  Enrol on my very first photography class (back to basics).

Four weeks ago I found a course and enrolled, unfortunately due to one problem after another, I have been unable to attend any classes.  This evening was my return to class.  For many people this would not be a problem, (it certainly wouldn’t be to my photographer friend), but the last 43 years whenever I’ve done something, I’ve always had someone with me (back up support), so the thought of entering a room on my own, of not having someone on the other side of the door that I would know (a safe haven) made me feel physically sick. My stomach twisted, my body began to shake uncontrollably, and at one point, I felt so sick that I nearly turned the car round to go home. (Even the thought of it now makes my stomach twist, hands shake and throwing up is quite high on my list of things next to do).  Unless you’ve actually experienced the total fear and blind panic that thunders through your body on such an occasion, I think you would imagine that the person writing this had totally lost all understanding and reality on life. But I kid you not, this is how I felt.

The school loomed in front of me, encircled in pitch black, only the few eyes of the school shone out to show that life was carrying on inside.  The moon some distance in the sky helped to light the car park and as I pulled the car to a stop on the gravel, switched the ignition off; I sat in the car and waited until the clock struck 7 before venturing into the unknown. 

As I took each step forward I tried to remember all the words of encouragement that my councillor had given me on this.  Opening the door I was greeted straight away by many of the students who were only to at ease to see another member join their ranks.  Share their photo ideas, and discuss what possibilities the class could open up to us, with our many different cameras.  My photo of the Moon in the morning was greatly received. This all made me feel that I had arrived somewhere, that I could enter without fear of rejection.  

What was I worrying about !

Depression

I would have said that I was a very easy going person, in general – that things didn’t get me down and no matter what, you just keep going.  After all I’m a mother of 3, I have a wonderful husband and three best friends and a full time job that always gives you a challenge each day – I really couldn’t ask for more….. Could I?

So why at the age of 43 do I find that I am now suffering from depression? As far as I could see nothing has changed…… I still have three children (now 17, 13 & 10), a wonderful (and fully understanding) husband (married 15 years) and my three very best friends have stayed the same. (In fact I’ve known them since we were at school together). I’d had changed location job wise, however, I still worked for the same person and the office now is so much better.

I hadn’t wanted to be 40, but I decided that as it was going to happen no matter what, I should embrace it – stand up to life’s new challenges – so I had a very nice 40^th birthday party, had all my friends and family over to help me celebrate and what a night we had.   I woke up the following morning feeling no different, with my eyes closed tightly shut I was only just 18 with everything in front of me.   Then maybe that was the problem, I hadn’t done everything I thought I could or would have done by the time I had reach 43.  Had anybody asked me what I would want to do, the answer would have been, I’m doing it – I wouldn’t change a thing. 

But I now have to stop and think about what I really want to do, doctors’ orders – the little white, sometimes yellow and green and now all green pills are no longer hitting the target, so more action needs to be taken.  Having had 4 out of 6 meetings with a councillor I find I have more questions now than answers – however, it has been uncovered that;

·         I am a bullied child (Mother not willing to cut the apron strings and I’m not strong enough to cut them myself),

·         I have issues with my father (who has suffered from alcohol addiction for many years)

·         I feel that I have to help everyone and feel like a total failure if I can’t. (Haven’t been able to get it into my head, that the only people that can really help people are…… themselves) and;

·         I am a very insecure person who craves to be loved and needs to have a full support team around her at all times otherwise I fall apart.

Not quite the person I started describing at the beginning of this blog. In fact I’m not sure I really know this person – all I do know is that I can’t any longer hide myself in the bedroom and cry myself to sleep, it’s not healthy for me, my children or my marriage and my friends would soon disappear if my mood swings were anything to go by.

So what does any self-respecting women of 43 do, to correct all the wrongs and missed opportunities that have moulded her life so far?  Believe it or not, I picked up a self-help book that a friend had recommended on her Facebook page – I’ve only read the book three times so far, but I do think that some improvements have been made and surely forward can be the only option. 

Boxing Day

Boxing Day to most is the day after Xmas and when you pop down the shops to grab a bargain or two.  Nevertheless Boxing Day to Peter Jones and many of his followers is: A once months treat of getting up with absolutely no plans whatsoever and seeing how the day unfolds.  (By Peter Jones “How to do everything and be happy)

There are only three rules to live by and they seemed simple enough

1.      No Pre-planning

2.      Book Boxing Day in advance

3.      You can move Boxing Day but you can’t cancel it.

Having taken on board these simple rules and the wise words that Peter’s book gives, I set about preparing for my no pre-planning Boxing Day.

Working 5 days a week, a mother of 3 and the very fortunate wife of one, I figured that my husband and I deserved a Boxing Day.  I prepared the Children that this day was heading our way (Mind you my kids are 17, 13 & 10 so not babies by any stretch of the imagination – and well and truly able to entertain themselves should the need arrive.)

Rule One: There would be no Mum/Dad taxis,

Rule two: No one could stay over on the Saturday night and;

Rule Three: For just one day the kids would have to fit around what we wanted.

What could go wrong??

Well before Sunday even began my middle child’s friend turned up Saturday daytime (for what we thought was just a visit only to be told that he was staying the night as well) Excuse me, but that’s breaking my rule two!!!! So that needed sorting (Thank god for husband).

Sunday morning arrived and the lay in, breakfast in bed and the sitting up in bed listen to classical music and reading our respective books was a great start.  However, on lowering myself into my large bubble bath with flicking candles to set the mood, a tap on the bathroom door was not what I was expecting – “Enter the husband,” only to be told that his brother and two kids where now standing in our kitchen, having decided they would visit on the off chance.  (We can go without seeing the brother-in-law for months on end – it’s even been known not to see him for up to 6 months, even though they only live 20 miles away from us – who invoked Sods law?).  How is it they choose today to come and visit, and because of the infrequent visit’s I didn’t feel that I could turn them away.  So that’s where our Boxing Day ended.  It was lovely to see them all and we all had a lovely day, catching up and the kids playing on the wii, they left around 8ish, a full day.

Notes to self:

Plan next month’s Boxing Day better

Have the day just myself

Get someone into babysit the kids and husband and I go away (but then doesn’t that defeat the object of Boxing Day?)

Here’s to next month’s Boxing Day.