Funeral

There are many times in one’s life, where you might find yourself, wondering about how your life is going and do you really matter or make any sort of a difference.  Today I found myself wondering such a thing – Not because I was finding that my depression had started kicking in again but as I sat between my husband and daughter in the second row of the Crematorium listening to a chosen few, say how much of an impact a certain beloved uncle, father and husband had had upon their lives.  I wondered if today had been my funeral, what would people say about me?

As I sat listening to friends and family relate stories of how Stuart had made them laugh, held their hand when they weren’t certain and been the rock that they could always lean on no matter the problem, I began to realise that maybe I didn’t know the man as well as I may have hoped.  That he wasn’t just the Jolly Uncle with the big white beard (that on the odd occasion resembled Father Christmas).  But to other people he had become so much more, and in doing these things Stuart had lead what could only have been a full and happy life.  No one’s life is a complete bed of roses, and just like every other person that you might wish to name, he had his health problems, times when things might not have been going as well as they could of.  But amidst all of this Stuart had always tried to be a good friend a loving husband and a wonderful and carrying father.  Furthermore I really don’t think that a person can ask for more.

So when my day does come and someone is standing up before my coffin and re-sighting tales about me, I hope I have proved to be at least as half as good, loving, wonderful and carrying person as Uncle Stuart had been in his life.

He was a very large man that everyone loved, cared for him and will now find that they have a large hole in their lives, that once this wonderful man had stood.

Dearest Stuart you will always be missed, but never forgotten

xxxx

Now List - 16 December 2011

Today is my birthday, as a child I loved the fact that my birthday was so close to Christmas, as people were in such high spirits and only too eager to help me celebrate, but as the years passed and my Adult years took over – my birthday being so close to Christmas became a pain.  We never seemed to have enough money in the house as I had concentrated too much on Christmas presents and helping Santa with his parcels. 

For the last 3 birthday’s I’ve taken the day off work, to spend time at home, only to find myself being nursemaid to my three children and husband who for some strange reason each year came down with horrible flu. So with the days counting down I really wasn’t holding out much hope for any kind of celebration.

However, 7am this morning, husband and children entered the bedroom in loud chorus of Happy Birthday and clutching an a ray of present in their arms.  What a wonderful surprise to wake to.  A new pair of earrings and a ring tree from my little girl – Jamie’s Great Britain recipe from  my middle child and the eldest had bought me the  Christmas Album by Michael Bublé.  My wonderful husband gave me two gifts – A heavy duty tripod that I’ve been looking at for ages and he gave me the gift of being able to knock off a item from my Now List.

I’ve given up counting how many times my family have been to Madam Tussauds and on each occasion over the years for one reason or another I have been unable to go as well – I’d heard many tales from the children about the wonderful statues  that  they had seen and have photographed.

Visiting Madam Tussauds had been high on my “Now List” hence you can imagine my delight as we drove to London and the car came to a halt outside said attraction. I couldn’t believe that it took us two hours to get around the exhibition, but I suppose the amount of times I exclaimed with delight someone else I’d seen and just must have a photo with helped with the amount of time we were there.  Only this week Madam Tussauds had added Colin Firth, Helen Mirren and Kate Winslet to their list of stars, each a must have a photo with.  The fact that we didn’t have the children with us, allowed us to visit the Scream section – a display and interaction of the macabre activities of the human race and some of them were quite fiendish.  The latest section that has been added to the exhibition was the cartoon strip “Marvel” and before departing the building we were witness to a 5 minutes 4D comic strip – So not only were we watching the wonders of Spiderman The Hulk etc but they were jumping out of the screen at us and movement of any time was enhanced with the movement of our chairs.  The amount of time the wind blew and we were drizzled with water, poked in the back and had to duck from flying debris just added to the audience delight.

I’ve had a wonderful day and thank my husband and three brilliant children for making it such. 

Flirt

I cannot deny that I am a middle aged woman

I work in an office of one (me), which is situated at the bottom of a garden of a very large house, apart from me there is the housekeeper and the gardener.  We three meet over a cup of coffee or tea each lunch time as each of our jobs take us to different aspects of the house.  The boss, he spends most of his working day in and around London and only returns when the work is done.

So my only real connection with the outside world 9.30-5.30 is via phone or email.  Very rarely does anyone visit the house and should this occasion arise we always have at least a weeks’ notice.

Over the last couple of months I’ve had the need to communicate with a certain young man and even though our emails have always been friendly and jovial todays became somewhat flirtatious – believe it or not over a missing pencil.  The emails were banded back and forth with a small comment here and a cheeky remark there. Until it dawned on me that this young man did not realise that I am a happily married women and mother of 3.

As I giggled to myself walking to the ladies room – how a little bit of harmless flirting is good for the soul, however, upon looking at myself in the mirror I thanked god that all communications had been via email. – Because before me stood a much haggard person than I remembered.  The unkempt eyebrows, the long hair that once was my crowning glory, now no longer shined but instead showed vivid signs of grey and really needed someone to take a sharp pair of scissors and create some style and body into it, my eyes that wore no make-up shouted at the world how little sleep I’ve been having of late. And the once youthful skin now was dry and screamed out for moisture and all this really did actually tell my true age.

Oh well the happy thought had boosted myself esteem for a short while.

Of Mice and Men

You know how you plan something to the nth degree and they still go wrong – Should you scream or should you laugh?

I’ve had my two day break planned for the last 3 months, right down to the finer details and for it to crumble in front of my very eyes and have no option but to just let it happen.  As far as I could see it, there were only two options, one cry over the spilt milk or two, just let it run its course?  Had this happened to me 3 weeks ago or more – a very large black cloud of doom and gloom would have taken over my world and predicted the end of life as we once knew it.  Thankfully things have improved a lot since then and I can rationalise things so much easier.

So the fact that I wasn’t going to London after all to visit family, celebrate my grandmothers 89^th birthday and then to meet up with a friend and spend a couple of hours taking photos of London by night (an activity that is sitting on my “Now List”), – or have the luxury of having a posh hotel room to myself before making my merry way to “Bluewater” the following day to have a new shopping experience and lunch with my best friend.

It didn’t knock me off course, just opened doors for other things to happen instead.

So instead I managed to have coffee with a friend at her wonderful shop, which gave me a chance to make a bracelet for my daughter’s Christmas stocking and to get my hands on some rather fantastic wool.  Cook the Christmas cake, bottle the mincemeat, finish off some decopatch decorations and still manage to have a lovely fish and chip supper with my husband. Even though Friday didn’t bring me “Bluewater” it did bring me Guildford (a place I haven’t visited since the very early days of dating my husband) so almost a new place to me, and the best friend and I did stop for coffee and cake and a little later lunch, we did manage to purchase some very different Christmas presents for the family, that had we not visited Guildford we would not have been able to (which has to be a major plus in my book). Our evening was a great success of wonderful food, great company and a good laugh, before heading our way to bed, in ready anticipation for the coming day.

Saturday brought us a return visit to London, where myself and the three best school friends meet on a very regular basis, to drink good wine, enjoy delicious  food, swap stories from the previous month, rake up the good old times when we were young and the world seemed to be a much better place.  Even this Saturday was to be different, we four managed to step outside the confines of Victoria Station and Garfunkel’s, to venture across the road (well we wouldn’t want to go too far from the norm) to Prezzo a lovely two storey Italian restaurant where the food and wine so surpassed that of Garfunkel’s, but thankfully the company and the day was as brilliant as usual. 

As I get older, each day I thank god for my wonderful friends that are always there for me  (no matter the distance in miles) – Just a phone call away  and I know would be by my side should the need every arise, without a 2^nd thought.   These friends I have made many years ago when we were small and the world seemed such an adventure and we were all too eager to explore them – now we sit reminiscing of the things we once tried, and many a time laugh at the outcome.  We have seen boyfriends come and go (and a few husbands), stood proudly by each other’s sides as we said our words of love to the men in our lives.  Exclaimed with much joy as our children arrived into the world, (and even became God parents to a few), and now middle age is upon us, and we listen to friends tell how they have lost, close friends and loved ones and we thank god that we 4 are still as close today as we ever where. 

Lists

I always thought of myself as an organised person, after all when I clean a room I start in one corner and work my way around the room until it’s been completed. I write list’s when it comes to buying Christmas presents for the family. – However, it never occurred to me that list’s should be used for other things in life.

Author Peter Jones of “How to do everything and be happy” states that writing a list is a must, but not only for the things I have mentioned above, but also for things like “Wish Lists” and “Now Lists” (to you and me a bucket list), but as far as I am aware I am not about to die – so is there really a need for a bucket list? And a wish list isn’t that something you daydream about over a cup of coffee as you gaze out of the office window and watch the world go by? – Well apparently not.

So I am reliably informed if a list is not written then those things you dream about will never happen.

The list is the start of the whole process. So sitting down with pen and paper and scribbling down all those things you would like should be as easy as 1-2-3.  Well let me stop you there, because it’s not.  When someone says to you “Okay what is it you really want” the brain goes to mush and no sensible thing comes to mind.  In fact my wish list and my now list, are still not 100% completed, because as I go about my everyday things, thought’s pop into my head, that I then need to jot down – So now I have a list for my lists.  Please don’t laugh – it’s the only way I can remember that thought, is to jot it down straight away into my file-a-fax so that I can update my lists when I get home.  (See I just had to stop typing about my lists as the thought of sitting in a box at the theatre sprung into my mind.  I’ve always wanted to do that since I was kid on my first visit to the theatre).  Anyway I digress, once the lists have some sort of resemblance about them you then need to bring your diaries into play, because now you have to book one day each month into your diary to talk about or put into action some aspect of the lists. That’s the evening, when I twist my husband’s arm and we head down to the local pub, where he drinks pints of beer and I talk about the things that have appeared on the list and what I can do to progress things further. Lucky there are a few things on that list that my husband and I would quite like to do together, like visit the Cities of Europe.  So we can then plan together.

Over the last 10 weeks I’ve been visiting a lovely lady, who gets paid to sit and listen to me moan about how hard things are getting and life just isn’t fair – and even though I was very sceptical about this – it is amazing how nice it can be to talk to a complete stranger about life and not have to worry that what you say is going to upset anyone and if you burst into tears for no apparent reason, she isn’t going to sit there and wonder what is happening to Mummy and why is she crying all of a sudden.  Each week we sat and talked about what had depressed me over the past week and why and what I could do about it.  Well last week was my last meeting and as we sat there talking about one thing or another, she turned to me and said, I would like you to make a list of 6 things (yep another list) that makes you happy – just 6 and each one should only take about 10 minutes to complete.  So when your normal happy day turns to the big black hole that no one can get you out of, just as things start to slide you can set about kicking in your 6 new safety nets (or list) and this could just help to keep the dark black mood from appearing.   So I sat at home last Friday and thought – what could I do that makes me happy and take my mind of things for just 10 minutes. Yet again the old brain went to mush and as far as I could think there really isn’t anything that I could do (slightly defeatist I know) but by Sunday evening and having once again talked my poor husbands ears off I managed 4 things.

·         Sit with a cup of coffee and read a magazine

·         Paint my toe nails

·         Go for a walk

·         Look at the photo’s I’ve taken over the year and remember all those happy times we have had as a couple / family

The other two came to me only last night, while I sat on the coach.

·         Do something arty crafty

o   Whether it is knitting, decopatch or even trying my hand at making something for Xmas or an up and coming birthday maybe even take a photo.

·         Blog about it

So once again I have taken another step towards having a contented life with my long suffering husband, but we are now accompanied by my lists. 

Wardrobe

Have you ever stood at your wardrobe with the doors wide open and simply exclaimed “I don’t have anything to wear”?   Well I have, over the last month or two; those words have tripped off my tongue on many occasions.  Bored of wearing the same old same old, and not being inspired by what I saw, I just longed for a new wardrobe of clothes that would spring some excitement into life.

The other day when reading the September Good Housekeeping magazine, an article sprang out of the page at me.  How to have the perfect wardrobe!  Oh I long to have the perfect wardrobe full of all those wonderful things that will make me feel like a million dollars.  My mind flew – this was what I needed a license to go out and buy more clothes, matching Jewellery, Handbags and of course not forgetting the Underwear, I now had that contented warm feeling, but hang on – that’s not what the article was about at all.

Elika Gibbs author of “Practical Princess Perfect Wardrobe” had other ideas.  She wanted me to pull out all my clothes etc. from the depths of my wardrobe and systematically go through Item by Item and divide them into 6 separate piles, I wasn’t sure if this was going to be fun or just a long boring task that you really should do, but keep putting off.  However, I did want to change my wardrobe over from summer to winter, pull out those thick jumpers, long socks and hat and glove sets that I had in a great hurry put away as the first of the very sunny days appeared telling me Summer was on its way.

The 6 piles of clothing grew on my bed as the wardrobe emptied.  My wardrobe may have been empty, but my bed now looked like I was about to start a jumble sale. Bagging the piles going to the charity shops, setting aside the dresses that I had worn once (never to be repeated) in ready anticipation to sell on E-bay, they went into a large empty suitcase.  The pile of things that can only be worn in the summer, headed their merry way to the drawers under my bed, and believe it or not the pile that was for mending thank god was only small, I made the necessary repairs, binned those that didn’t make any of the above categories, then left with those that would return to the wardrobe, dividing them into types, dresses, skirts, trousers, tops, jumpers and placed back into the wardrobe, but not just in type but in colour as well – starting with the lightest colours first, moving down the line to black.  (Black pairs of trousers how many does one women need?)

As you can imagine I collapsed onto the bed in relief that, that arduous task had been completed. But there was this nagging thought at the back of my head, going round and round – How could Elika Gibbs write a book about the Perfect Wardrobe, when the article in the magazine was only two pages and that included a large photo.  There must be more to this perfect wardrobe lark than I was reading……… Most people I would imagine would go downstairs make a cup of tea and thank god that that was over…. Not me

The very next day I went out and purchased said book (“Practical Princess Perfect Wardrobe) only to discover that what had taken me most of the day, really was only the tip of the iceberg, there was oh so much more to be done.  (Why did I buy the book? – am I really that mad).

I read the book from cover to cover and then very carefully place it on my bookshelf.  And that is where it stayed until, I heard those words trip out of my mouth “I have nothing to wear” – (surely there must be something in there now, I’d changed it all around). Reverting back to the bookshelf to retrieve Practical Princess Perfect Wardrobe, I slowly opened the book and read on to the next chapter; - Now this could be fun, try the outfits on.  So once again I emptied the wardrobe of its belongings, this time neatly on the bed in their correct departments.  Grabbed my clothing from the ironing pile, set up the iron and board on the landing (outside my bedroom) and proceeded to try on everything – making sure that anything that needed ironing, was completed first.  5 hours later, I had managed to try on every item that had been in my wardrobe, made sure that the trousers had shirts, blouses, or jumpers that matched and the same for the skirts.  That I also had shoes to wear that any belts or scarfs that matched could be found.  (That’s were the grey belt I’d been looking for went). I’d given the family a fashion show and had received a few complementary comments, I even managed to take a few items out of the wardrobe that just didn’t go with anything, paired things up that I totally forgotten about removed my summer shoes and packed them carefully in the loft.  And all of a sudden, I’ve now got at least 14 outfits that I can wear to work without repeating, 6 outfits that I can wear as very casual and even 3 that I can wear for the pending Christmas parties.  I can just hear my husband sigh with relief, that new clothing was not going to be needed for the wardrobe.

It is quite amazing, that with a little bit of thought and time, I’ve managed to revamp my wardrobe; given a new lease of life to old favourites alongside the newish items I’d already bought this year.  – I do have spaces in my wardrobe for things that are missing, but they now can wait until another day.

Trophy Board

“I am a collect a manic”, there I’ve said it.

Yes I like to keep things just in case they might be needed again, or they hold a treasured memory that is just too important to say goodbye to. Please don’t get me wrong, my house isn’t a tip, but every shelf, ledge or available space will hold something important.

Things have got so bad that we don’t have any space in either the loft or garage now. I know that somewhere in the loft is my son’s first outfit that we ever bought him – in fact I’m sure his first year of clothes are up there as well, along with his pram, rocking chair and crib all the cuddly toys that the children have grown out of, plus piles and piles of photo’s that have been taken over the last twenty years, Christmas cards, Birthday cards and Anniversary cards they must date back as far as the 1980’s.  But I just can’t get rid of them and alongside all of that I have my memories of the last 20 years with my husband and our three children, stuffed into boxes, envelopes and bags. – I dread to think what we have in the garage.

So you can imagine how my eyes lit up when reading my “How to Do Everything and Be Happy” Peter suggested a Trophy Board – why hadn’t I thought about that.  What a brilliant idea, another place to be able to put up those little things that means everything to me.  My husband groaned and placed his head in his hands at the thought that there might be another place I could keep more clutter.  But I stressed that it had to be good, as it was recommended in my new bible, but my husband couldn’t see how this could be the case.

After a little negotiation and deal breaking we came up with a master plan.

I would put all my treasures up on the “Trophy Board” for this year, and as suggested in the book, I would on the 1^st Jan 2012 place all beloved items into a large envelope which would then be kept safe in the loft. (This must cause you a problem I hear you shout, the loft is already full).  Well, I’ve agreed that I will keep only 20 envelopes one for each year that we have been together and place the most treasured and loved items into it.  Once full anything else will be tossed aside ready for the recycling bin, placed on e-bay or sent off to a charity shop. (I wonder what the largest envelope I could buy is.)

Having just hung up my trophy board, you would think it would be empty, but I have set myself and the children a most enjoyable task, to find as many things from around the house that could go on the trophy board. This isn’t something to be done straight away, but over the next coming months so by the time 31^st December is upon us; my trophy board will be full and complete.

So each day, one of the children produces some little treasure they have found and we take great pride in placing it on the trophy broad for everyone to look at and enjoy.   Not only is this helping to clear the ledges etc., but we are able to sit and talk about what we did to get said treasures, only this morning as I was leaving the house, I stumbled upon two new items, a postcard that my little girl received from her best friend when they were on holiday in the summer and a card of congratulations that I received in September on completing the Adidas Women’s 5k run.

I’m enjoying filling my trophy board and my husband is looking forward to the prospects of an almost empty loft – finding the Christmas decorations should be much easier from now on.

Cleaning the loft and the garage are on my “Wish List” – but that is another story. 

Knitting

Knitting is something that your granny would do, sitting in her rocking chair by the coal fire….. Isn’t it?

Instead, I find knitting has once again become a craze since the likes of Russell Crowe (yes, I said Russell Crowe) Sarah Jessica Parker and Julia Roberts revealed that they too enjoyed knitting –

It wasn’t until three weeks ago on a wet Sunday afternoon I received a panic phone call from a very good friend of mine who lives in London that I remembered how relaxing and therapeutic knitting can be.  My friends Mum belongs to a church and the ladies of the church had decided that this year’s Christmas present to the local residence of the old people’s home would be knitted blankets.  So they set about this wonderful task, only to realise as they came to make up the blankets (from knitted squares) that the originally thought 10 residence where now in total 35.  – Being few in number the knitting circle, realised they had a much bigger job on their hands than they originally thought. So the distress call went out and managed to wing its way as far as Oxfordshire & West Sussex.

Without a second thought, (apart from where have I put those needles and have I got any wool) we leapt to their aid.   – Hence in true style of the DC household – I couldn’t find either the needles or the wool, so visited our local Urban Angles and purchased what was needed. Now on a cold evening I can be found curled up on the coach with my 10 year old daughter knitting for England, The next generation has started to be taught the pleasure that you can get from knitting, the wool entwined through your fingers and the occasional click click of the needles as one stitch is moved to other.

This thought then reminded me of many years past, when as a little girl I had been sent to my grandmothers for the school holidays and must have been bored (as young children have a habit of being), that my grandmother took the time to sit down and show me how to knit.  Much to my amazement the knitting on the needles grew quite fast (and quite often when I’d gone to bed). Nothing too adventures was tried, a scarf, a teapot stand and I think somewhere we even tried our hands at making a blanket (but I’m not sure where that ended up), and here am I now passing that skill on to my own little girl.  Who I am very pleased to report is getting as much enjoyment out of knitting as I had at her age.  We do on the odd occasion (every two rows) have to stop and count how many rows she has now completed. 

I hope one day that my daughter will have the time to stop for 5 minutes and pass this skill on to her children. 

BT

What is a reasonable amount of time do you think, for BT to mend a fault?

12^th October I entered work only to discover that our broadband line had stopped working.  On having a lengthy conversation (20 mins) with BT man, we discover that the line is dead, a fault at the exchange, so they tell me.  “But don’t worry madam, your call is very important to us and I will have this problem sorted for you within a couple of minutes”.  “Wow impressive” or so I thought.  BT man checks again and informs me that this will take a little longer than he had first thought and it would need to be bumped up to a higher level of technician as the fault is at the exchange rather than with the line to the property.  But not to fear, he would have a technician out to us so quickly that it would be sorted in no time. If you could just hold the line I’ll let you know when someone can come out and sort……………………..

“Madam, thank you for holding – your technician will be with you by the 17^th October”

“What 5 days?”

“Madam, unfortunately this is the soonest we can get to you”

17^th October I entered work in the happy thought that after 5 long days and night’s we would have our internet back – phew!  WRONG !!!!!!!!

Back on the phone to BT another lengthy conversation (34 mins) with BT man we discover that the BT line has been mended, however, there is now a problem with the internet.  “But don’t worry madam, your call is very important to us and I will have this problem sorted for you within a couple of minutes”. “ Wow Impressive” (only joking) BT man checks again and informs me that the network problem is once again at the exchange, but now that they are aware of this they will have it mended in no time.  If you could just hold the line I’ll let you know when someone can come out and sort………………………………………….

“Madam, thank you for holding – the problem will be sorted within 48 hours”

“What 2 days?”

“Madam, unfortunately this is the soonest we can get someone to your exchange to sort” 

20^th October I entered work happy in the thought that after 7 long days and night’s we would have our internet back – Thank God!  WRONG!!!!!!!

Back on the phone to BT I tried 4 times within the day to call BT and the line just rings, however, my call is important to them but someone will answer my call shortly.  Nevertheless by 5.30 no one had answered my call and I would have to start again tomorrow.

21^st October I entered work with dread and horror, what would today, without internet be like (8 long days and nights)

Back on the phone to BT I tried and I tried, but yet BT still wouldn’t pick up, my call to was important to them, but today they were receiving a high number of call’s

5.30 came and went – and the weekend was fast approaching and still no communication with BT.

24^th October, Just in case, I started work at home this morning reading and answering email’s, sorting out the banking and trying to sort everything that could be done, that would need any connection with the internet or email system. 

I laughed with my husband, saying that when I got to work everything would be up and running and I hadn’t needed to do all this…….. Wrong!!!!

24^th October and we still haven’t got Internet (12 days now) This is now become fast beyond a joke, (after all this is business internet – not home internet) So again, back on to BT

“Don’t worry madam, your call is very important to us and I will have this problem sorted for you within a couple of minutes”. 20 minutes later “I am sorry madam, but I am unable to sort your probably from this department and now need to bump you up to the next level.

“Don’t worry madam, your call is very important to us and they will have this problem sorted”. 

“Thank you for holding, and yes I can see what the problem is, We need to get a technician out to you, so that they can check the line from the exchange right up to and including inside the property to see where the actual fault is” “We will get a technician straight out to you and he will be able to resolve the problem” – “excellent”

“So when can I expect this technician?”

“He will be with you on 26^th October between 1pm and 6pm”

“Two days – is he walking?”

“Madam, unfortunately this is the soonest we can get someone to your exchange to sort” 

To be continued………………..

New Adventure

As I’ve mentioned before, I am reading this self-help book by Peter Jones and one of his many suggestions is to make a wish list, a list of things that you would really like to achieve – Not everything at once, but one small step at a time.  At the top of mine was take better quality photo’s.

I have a friend, who takes the most amazing pictures and is a total inspiration to me.  I could only wish to replicate a small understanding of photography that they have. The answer was a simple one.  Enrol on my very first photography class (back to basics).

Four weeks ago I found a course and enrolled, unfortunately due to one problem after another, I have been unable to attend any classes.  This evening was my return to class.  For many people this would not be a problem, (it certainly wouldn’t be to my photographer friend), but the last 43 years whenever I’ve done something, I’ve always had someone with me (back up support), so the thought of entering a room on my own, of not having someone on the other side of the door that I would know (a safe haven) made me feel physically sick. My stomach twisted, my body began to shake uncontrollably, and at one point, I felt so sick that I nearly turned the car round to go home. (Even the thought of it now makes my stomach twist, hands shake and throwing up is quite high on my list of things next to do).  Unless you’ve actually experienced the total fear and blind panic that thunders through your body on such an occasion, I think you would imagine that the person writing this had totally lost all understanding and reality on life. But I kid you not, this is how I felt.

The school loomed in front of me, encircled in pitch black, only the few eyes of the school shone out to show that life was carrying on inside.  The moon some distance in the sky helped to light the car park and as I pulled the car to a stop on the gravel, switched the ignition off; I sat in the car and waited until the clock struck 7 before venturing into the unknown. 

As I took each step forward I tried to remember all the words of encouragement that my councillor had given me on this.  Opening the door I was greeted straight away by many of the students who were only to at ease to see another member join their ranks.  Share their photo ideas, and discuss what possibilities the class could open up to us, with our many different cameras.  My photo of the Moon in the morning was greatly received. This all made me feel that I had arrived somewhere, that I could enter without fear of rejection.  

What was I worrying about !

Depression

I would have said that I was a very easy going person, in general – that things didn’t get me down and no matter what, you just keep going.  After all I’m a mother of 3, I have a wonderful husband and three best friends and a full time job that always gives you a challenge each day – I really couldn’t ask for more….. Could I?

So why at the age of 43 do I find that I am now suffering from depression? As far as I could see nothing has changed…… I still have three children (now 17, 13 & 10), a wonderful (and fully understanding) husband (married 15 years) and my three very best friends have stayed the same. (In fact I’ve known them since we were at school together). I’d had changed location job wise, however, I still worked for the same person and the office now is so much better.

I hadn’t wanted to be 40, but I decided that as it was going to happen no matter what, I should embrace it – stand up to life’s new challenges – so I had a very nice 40^th birthday party, had all my friends and family over to help me celebrate and what a night we had.   I woke up the following morning feeling no different, with my eyes closed tightly shut I was only just 18 with everything in front of me.   Then maybe that was the problem, I hadn’t done everything I thought I could or would have done by the time I had reach 43.  Had anybody asked me what I would want to do, the answer would have been, I’m doing it – I wouldn’t change a thing. 

But I now have to stop and think about what I really want to do, doctors’ orders – the little white, sometimes yellow and green and now all green pills are no longer hitting the target, so more action needs to be taken.  Having had 4 out of 6 meetings with a councillor I find I have more questions now than answers – however, it has been uncovered that;

·         I am a bullied child (Mother not willing to cut the apron strings and I’m not strong enough to cut them myself),

·         I have issues with my father (who has suffered from alcohol addiction for many years)

·         I feel that I have to help everyone and feel like a total failure if I can’t. (Haven’t been able to get it into my head, that the only people that can really help people are…… themselves) and;

·         I am a very insecure person who craves to be loved and needs to have a full support team around her at all times otherwise I fall apart.

Not quite the person I started describing at the beginning of this blog. In fact I’m not sure I really know this person – all I do know is that I can’t any longer hide myself in the bedroom and cry myself to sleep, it’s not healthy for me, my children or my marriage and my friends would soon disappear if my mood swings were anything to go by.

So what does any self-respecting women of 43 do, to correct all the wrongs and missed opportunities that have moulded her life so far?  Believe it or not, I picked up a self-help book that a friend had recommended on her Facebook page – I’ve only read the book three times so far, but I do think that some improvements have been made and surely forward can be the only option. 

Boxing Day

Boxing Day to most is the day after Xmas and when you pop down the shops to grab a bargain or two.  Nevertheless Boxing Day to Peter Jones and many of his followers is: A once months treat of getting up with absolutely no plans whatsoever and seeing how the day unfolds.  (By Peter Jones “How to do everything and be happy)

There are only three rules to live by and they seemed simple enough

1.      No Pre-planning

2.      Book Boxing Day in advance

3.      You can move Boxing Day but you can’t cancel it.

Having taken on board these simple rules and the wise words that Peter’s book gives, I set about preparing for my no pre-planning Boxing Day.

Working 5 days a week, a mother of 3 and the very fortunate wife of one, I figured that my husband and I deserved a Boxing Day.  I prepared the Children that this day was heading our way (Mind you my kids are 17, 13 & 10 so not babies by any stretch of the imagination – and well and truly able to entertain themselves should the need arrive.)

Rule One: There would be no Mum/Dad taxis,

Rule two: No one could stay over on the Saturday night and;

Rule Three: For just one day the kids would have to fit around what we wanted.

What could go wrong??

Well before Sunday even began my middle child’s friend turned up Saturday daytime (for what we thought was just a visit only to be told that he was staying the night as well) Excuse me, but that’s breaking my rule two!!!! So that needed sorting (Thank god for husband).

Sunday morning arrived and the lay in, breakfast in bed and the sitting up in bed listen to classical music and reading our respective books was a great start.  However, on lowering myself into my large bubble bath with flicking candles to set the mood, a tap on the bathroom door was not what I was expecting – “Enter the husband,” only to be told that his brother and two kids where now standing in our kitchen, having decided they would visit on the off chance.  (We can go without seeing the brother-in-law for months on end – it’s even been known not to see him for up to 6 months, even though they only live 20 miles away from us – who invoked Sods law?).  How is it they choose today to come and visit, and because of the infrequent visit’s I didn’t feel that I could turn them away.  So that’s where our Boxing Day ended.  It was lovely to see them all and we all had a lovely day, catching up and the kids playing on the wii, they left around 8ish, a full day.

Notes to self:

Plan next month’s Boxing Day better

Have the day just myself

Get someone into babysit the kids and husband and I go away (but then doesn’t that defeat the object of Boxing Day?)

Here’s to next month’s Boxing Day.